offtopic found on internet but it's damn funny )))
Why it is good to be a man?
1
.
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview
.
2
.
Your orgasms are real
.
Always
.
3
.
Your last name stays put
.
4
.
The garage is all yours
.
5
.
Wedding plans take care of themselves
.
6
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You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid
.
7
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Car mechanics tell you the truth
.
8
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You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut
.
9
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Hot wax never comes near your pubic area
.
10
.
Same work
.
.
.
more pay
.
11
.
Wrinkles-add character
.
12
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You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments
.
13
.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100
.
14
.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen
.
15
.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them
.
16
.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
.
17
.
One mood, ALL the damn time
.
18
.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds
.
19
.
A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase
.
20
.
You can open all your own jars
.
26
.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me
.
"
.
27
.
No maxi-pads
.
28
.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends
.
29
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You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors
.
30
.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt
.
31
.
You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes
.
32
.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades
.
33
.
Your belly usually hides your big hips
.
Some funny Questions and Answers
.
1
.
Q What do you call a man with half a brain?
A Gifted
.
2
.
Q What is the thinnest book in the world?
A "What Men Know About Women
.
"
3
.
Q How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A One
.
.
.
men will screw anything
.
4
.
Q How does a man take a bubble bath?
A He eats beans for dinner
.
5
.
Q How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A We don't know .... it's never happened.
6
.
Q What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A Lifting his leg so you can vacuum
.
7
.
Q What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A E
.
T
.
phoned home
.
8
.
Q What did God say after creating man?
A I can do better
.
9
.
Q What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A 1
.
No mind
.
2
.
No business
.
10
.
Q How is a man like a snowstorm?
A Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay
.
11
.
Q Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A Because those men already have boyfriends
.
12
.
Q How do men sort their laundry?
A "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable
.
"
.
13
.
Q Husband "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it
.
"
.
A Wife "You wear briefs, don't you?"
.
Some major funny ifs
.
1
.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
2
.
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
3
.
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
4
.
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
5
.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
6
.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.".
7
.
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
8
.
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
9
.
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
10
.
If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
11
.
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
12
.
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
13
.
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
14
.
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
15
.
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
16
.
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
About Wifes
.
1
.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back
.
2
.
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last
.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food
.
.
.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays
.
3
.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it
.
The thief spends less than my wife did
.
4
.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker
.
Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair
.
5
.
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street
.
The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
.
6
.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days
.
Then the mud fell off
.
7
.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"
.
Blonde one liners
.
.
.
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
1
.
she called me to get my phone number
.
2
.
she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate
.
"
.
3
.
she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
.
4
.
she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
.
5
.
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
.
6
.
she tried to drown a fish
.
7
.
she thought a quarterback was a refund
.
8
.
she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
.
9
.
she tripped over a cordless phone
.
10
.
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
.
11
.
she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
Ain't that funny
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